Til Death Us Do Part

I can honestly say that being married doesn't feel any different to not being married. Good job we didn't spend tens of thousands of pounds on it then really. What can I say? The day went pretty much as we wanted it to. The Antichrist Bride wore Metallica as previously threatened and drove herself to the venue in her filthy, tatty Fiesta. The ceremony was conducted with Metallica's 'Fade to Black' playing in the background which amused me as it's not your typical wedding song if you read the lyrics. My much loved and well traveled Chicken Run bag was mentioned during the ceremony - a first for the registrar. We took about 6 photos - god how I hate having my picture taken, and we went to a local farm shop restaurant for the meal. They'd never had a wedding party in before so I think we made their day. We had some lovely cards and gifts and I am forever grateful to friends, family and penpal's for thinking about us on our special'ish day. They more than made up for certain mardy arsed individuals who shall remain anonymous. I 'm also eternally grateful to our 2 fabulous witnesses and my stunningly gothed up friend for being there with us. Your support was much appreciated especially as my parents are no longer around to see me get wed. I'm sure there would have been a lot of piss take from both of them about me marrying an Aston Villa fan.

And, just to prove you don't have to get into debt or bankrupt your poor parents to get wed, we did it all for the grand total of £418.38 !!!!

• Registry Office + marriage certificate  £150
• Rings  £125
• Wedding 'favours'  £28.39
• Grooms shirt and tie  £34
• Bride's Metallica t-shirt  £15
• Invites (homemade)  £1.00
• Cake  £60
• Velvet flowers  £4.99

No designer dress I will never wear again. No sugared almonds. No venue colour co-ordinated to our outfits. No annoying photographer or overpriced wedding album. No chairs draped in fabric and bows. No expensive wedding transport. No vomit inducing or twee little rituals or performances and no heart attack inducing wedding gift list for John Lewis.

The Infamous Chicken

The Guests

Star Wars cake

The Bride and Groom doing it their way

I'd always said that I would only ever get married in Las Vegas with a fake Elvis at the ceremony. Market Harborough bears no resemblance to Vegas even after 10 pints but 'The King' did make an appearance........

Elvis has left the building

Who's Counting?

Apparently if I 'cared' I would be able to tell you how many weeks/days/hours/seconds it is to the wedding. Errr it's just under 3 weeks I think, surely that's good enough. I struggle to remember the correct date let alone how long it is. When will the people who are touting it as the 2nd coming of christ get it into their heads that being married is the important bit and not all of the faff before hand. Now if you asked me how long until the new Star Wars film it's 5 weeks, 6 days, 7 hours and 20 mins and counting. Get your priorities right I say. 
Him indoors is off down south for a quiet stag night of 2. Me? I'll be having a hen night for 1 and 2 small dogs. I loathe the archetypal hen do crap and besides who the heck am I going to invite. The WI ladies who are all 80+?! 
I did actually bite the bullet and order a dress (fanfare). Sadly the image online didn't transfer too well and I looked bloody awful in it so back it went. I figured unless I wanted to spend the day stressed out and feeling like a trussed up pig in a barrel, dresses were off the menu. Therefore I will be carrying out my threat and wearing a Metallica t-shirt. It may be customised slightly if I have time but in my head it's all fine. Will I look back in years to come and regret my choice? No I won't. There may be a lot of things I'll regret but being me and being comfortable won't be one of them. 

From day 1 we've said this wouldn't be your run of the mill wedding. So no suits, white fluffy bridal dresses, preposterously expensive wedding present list, bridesmaids, photographers, poncey bloody cars, wedding albums, buttonholes, flowers, decorating the venue with lovey dovey shite or any of the other showy off kind of crap that certain smug marrieds feel they have to ram down your throat. Oh and there won't be sugared almonds on the tables either. Perish the thought!

How the Other Half Dress

I had a moment this morning where I wished I was more glamorous. Thankfully it passed quickly. Picture the scene - I had nipped out to pick up my Fibro meds, a pre-ordered Xmas pressie (yeah, feel free to swat me) and 6 items from the supermarket and I couldn't be arsed to dress up for the occasion. No change there. As soon as I drove into the chemist car park I saw 'Her' tottering down the street and I glanced at myself and felt like a bag lady. For a tiny market town Lutterworth wins hands down where certain characters are concerned. The Lady in question is always dressed impeccably  - todays outfit, an ankle length skin tight dress, fancy black coat and a rather fetching furry Cossack hat + the obligatory full face of make-up and hooker heels which I couldn't stand up in let alone walk down the street in. But then I guess if I worked in a *massage parlour* that offered other nefarious services I wouldn't be dressed in holey leggings, a bleach splattered band t-shirt, a threadbare hoody that has accompanied generations of dogs to the Vets in times of stress (and been washed since) and my usual bovver boots! I'm no headturner even if I do make the effort so my everyday mantra is 'why bother' but I guess it would be nice every once in a while to look that swish. Then again I'd look like a bag of angry cats in that frock so I think I'll stick to my baggy crap clothing.

I managed to finish my latest crazy crochet project this week and I'm loathe to sit here doing bugger all so I'm starting on another one. You can never have too many blankets! I'm also going to Yarn Bomb my car and make a steering wheel cover. It may not stop there, I could end up covering the entire car.

Krakow - A Whirlwind Romance

5 days in Krakow didn't seem like long enough to see and do everything that we wanted. Judging by the protests of my screaming knee joints and poor battered feet, it was more than enough and I'll just have to make a repeat visit to go on that longed for Communist tour. If I had a zloty for every gobsmacked comment we've received on our choice of holiday destination we'd be flying back tomorrow. "Poland? Really? Why would you want to go there? They're all over here anyway." Once you've waded through the typical English ignorant shite there are lots of reasons to visit, just grab a guide book and take a look for yourself. We don't all relish spending our holidays lounging around a pool or on a beach like a lard arsed, pasty beached whale. Some of us like to learn stuff and see beautiful and historic places instead of spending all of our time in the only British pub/eatery in bloody Spain because we can't stand that 'foreign muck'. Urgh. People like that make me want to puke.

So to keep it fairly brief, here's my lowdown on the beautiful and bewitching Krakow.

• Our hotel - The Poleski on the banks of the river directly opposite Castle Wawel. No complaints at all. Great room, friendly and helpful staff, delicious breakfast with a view to die for and a 15 minute walk into the town.
• Castle Wawel - well worth a visit. It's free to go in, you only pay to see the state rooms etc or as we did - Leonardo Da Vinci's 'Lady with the Ermine' painting (which knocks spots off the Mona Lisa and we didn't have to battle crowds 30 deep to see her).
• The Old Town and Market Square - just stunning with the Cloth Hall at it's centre and more bars and restaurants around it's perimeter than you can shake a stick at. Busy at all hours of day and night with music, people jostling for your custom on tours, sightseeing horses and carriages (which I refuse to go in), it's the place to be.
• St Mary's Basilica - for a raging Atheist/Heretic I have a huge love of religious architecture and stunning interiors and this place has to be one of the best I've ever seen. A few quid gets you in. Pick your jaw up off the floor on your way out.
• Free Walking Tours Foundation - Google them and then meet up for your preferred tour. The guides are funny and very knowledgeable, and it's a great way to see the city.
• Food and Drink - to us Brits it's downright cheap. One bar we found on the square was doing beer/wine/coffee/tea for a quid!! Yes a £1. They also did food and I had potatoes with white cheese and it was bloody lovely. The Polski Pub do fab pizza and they are responsible for my sudden love of Orkisz vodka. We had a particularly good night there after doing the Macabre Tour and 3 beers, 2 glasses of red wine, a pot of Assam tea and a glass of vodka came to a breath stealing 74 zloty which is about £13.50!!!! There is so much choice that you won't starve. Of course if you can't bear to let go of England there are several Costa Coffee's, Starbucks and McDonald's *shudder*
• Cafe Mini and Karmello Chocolatier - Eye popping cakes, chocolates and coffee. Walk past if you can.
• Tour to Auschwitz/Birkenau - while I'm glad I went on this tour I could have done without the obscene amounts of people milling about but I guess it's to be expected. Everyone should visit if only to bring it home what atrocious conditions these people were forced to endure. I did think though that the 'souvenirs' shops were a little bit in poor taste. Yes we all want a magnet of the gas chambers on our fridge - NOT!
• Krakow airport - my idea of hell. It wouldn't be so bad if the airport staff weren't dressed like the bloody KGB and had no patience what so ever. I was probably a hairs breadth away from being locked up for my refusal to bin my vodka and my anger at having to remove my footwear!
• Most Krakowvians speak excellent English but will appreciate you making the effort, even if it's just "Hi or Bye".

I can't wait to go back as there's a Communist Tour I'm itching to go on and then of course there's the food and the vodka........

Walking Through Treacle

It's 5.30am and my Fibro is conspiring against me. My legs feel like I'm wearing these - 

whilst being dangled over the edge of a bloody large shelf. My brain then decides to join in the argument by whizzing through all of the things that are currently playing on my mind (lack of job, wedding, the price of fish). Then BINGO! I am wide awake and camped out on the sofa with a cup of tea, Planet Rock radio and 2 expectant Yorkie's. From a personal point of view life would be much simpler if brains had an 'off' switch and then I could sleep a bit more soundly if not for those pesky heavy legs.
People probably think me slightly odd in that the impending nuptials don't fill me with a sense of overwhelming excitement at the moment. A certain level of dread yes, but that is only down to the fact that I'm convinced I'll look physically awful in whatever I choose to wear; and stress - can I call it that? It's more of a low level 'pissed off - ness' kinda stress. The type that manifests itself usually when you are having gargantuan weddings with 100's of guests and you're told you can't invite this person without inviting that one, and if you don't invite So and So's brats you'll upset them etc etc. Well guess what. If you invite just 5 people - yes that's the amount you can count on one hands worth of fingers, you will still get this level of shite from certain quarters and then seriously wish you could un-invite the perpetrator to allow you to get on and have the day You want. I have an overwhelming urge to speak my mind but I'm biting my lip so as not to worsen the non existent relationship I already have with these individuals. It's no biggy really. I'm not asking to sacrifice a child at the altar before I say my vows so why the agro? Let me make spell it out-

• I'm generally not a hypocrite so if I really can't stand someones guts I won't be 2 faced play nice and schmooze with them/invite them to my wedding/barmitzvah/birthday piss up. Believe me, if I loathe you then you don't want to be in my company when the alcohol is flowing. You might hear a few home truths.
• Just because someone is 'family' it doesn't mean they have to be there when you have stipulated that it's just a small do. Accept this people and move on.
• Traditions do not have to be adhered to. The groom does not have to wear a suit and the bride does not have to wear a hideous concoction that would look more at home covering a bog roll. We do not have to have an engagement, a show off diamond bling ring, a wedding list that will leave most people hyperventilating, a stag do, a hen do nor are we forbidden to see each other the night before/the morning of because it's unlucky. We don't have to pay a jumped up photographer vast amounts of cash to boss us around either. If we want tongue out rockin it selfies as a memento of our day then so be it.
• I do not have to take my husband to be's surname. This is the 21st century and I am the last of my family to carry my surname, so out of immeasurable respect to my parents who short of a seance can't be there, I'll hang on to it thank you.

I firmly believe that as our dosh has paid for the registry office, cake and meal we can do what we bloody well like. If I want to walk down the 'aisle' wearing my lucky pants and my favourite New York t-shirt with a bouquet of writhing grass snakes instead of flowers then I jolly well will (don't worry I won't ). If the groom wants to wear a paint splattered t-shirt, holey jeans and Converse then go for it. I'm not doing this for show or to make a nice photo to put on the wall that you can brag to your friends about. 

There's a lot to be said for eloping. That is all I can say.

I have more pressing matters to worry about today. In a few hours I'm getting my hair cut for the first time in 2 years. Not only that but I'm trusting the local college students to do it (cheapskate) and I'll be there for hours! Then later on I'm getting pierced by a trainee. A decision I may live to regret but I'm all for helping out. If I'm honest I am bricking it but there you go. Lets just put it down to a mid life crisis. If anyone has any bright ideas as to how I can get a girly 6 pack in 8 weeks then I'm open to suggestions - don't forget I'm not as pliable as I used to be. In the mean time it's back to crocheting on the exercise bike.

This is my before photo by the way :)

P.S. Ok so I have a confession to make. I didn't get my lip pierced after all. That sensible side of my brain kicked in and I realised I'd look a right Tit with 2 piercings so close together. 46 is too old to pass for an Emo after all. I did however get my hair cut. I was at the college for 2 hours and it was sooo relaxing I could've dropped off. The poor student was a little lacking in confidence but she did a wonderful job and it only cost me £4.50. Yes, four flippin pounds and fifty pence. Support your local college I say.

I Blame Men

Ever noticed how all women's problems begin with men? Menstruation. Mental breakdown. Menopause? Don't worry this isn't a bloke bashing post. I, according to my dear Doctor have started the Peri menopause! As I stared at him in disbelief he explained that this is basically the period (no pun intended) where your body eases you into that joyful stage of your life called 'the change'. My god being female is a never ending joy isn't it especially when you think 'Wahay I'm past the childbearing years' you're hit with this quadruple whammy that can apparently last 10 years. 10 friggin years of rambunctious hormones, things drying up (that'll be your skin and your foof then), night sweats (mine can't distinguish between night and bloody day) and hot flushes. Most days I could happily walk around with my bra stuffed with frozen peas. My hands, arms and feet are blue and freezing cold but the rest of me would give Mount Etna a good run for its money. I've always said I would refuse HRT but if the NHS touted ants testicles as the cure all for this hell I would happily sprinkle them on my cornflakes every morning.

So Friday saw me leave the 'perfect job'. There were flowers, there were cards, there was gin! there were tears, furry alpacas, chocolate and more tears. Never has a Temp been made to feel more fabulous and appreciated than I was and it has broken me to walk away but the job is not mine to be had. Don't get me wrong, every day I hope and wish that their returning Admin girl decides it's not for her after 3 months in the jungle saving small critters, gets bored and buggers off. I'm not being mean. I loved the job, I loved the hi viz wearing blokes and all of their quirks, I loved my nutty boss and my fab work colleague. I even loved most of the drivers and the smell of composting rubbish. What's to feel guilty about especially as the dead cert jobs the agency had lined up for me have turned out to be anything but. Let's face it, I don't fancy being jobless again and contrary to popular belief I would rather earn less and be monumentally happy at work than earn over £20k a year working for some huge company that struggles to remember who you are let alone the fact that you have a life outside of their 4 walls *cough* Asda.

It's not all been doom and gloom in the cow shed. Ok so Kimi broke a toe and a claw but on the plus side I got to practise my pet 1st aid skills several times a day - much to his disgust. He's on the mend now but obsessed with nibbling at his phantom claw. The wedding arrangements are pretty much done and dusted though the bride-to-be is no thinner and currently unable to utilise the exercise bike thanks to crippling fibro, so there is still no dress. At this rate I'll be limping down the aisle in a Metallica t-shirt and leggings, not that it would bother me or the ball-and-chain-to-be. I do however still wish we'd just got hitched on the quiet as some people are intent on voicing their opinions again and again about our choice of guests. Has anyone ever un-invited people to their wedding cos I sure as hell will give it a go if that's what it takes to keep this as our day. Don't be fooled by this pink, fluffy haired exterior. I can turn into the Hulk at the drop of a hat....Raaaarrrr!

Actually that's probably what I'll look like on the day :)

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

So I have 3 weeks left in the perfect job and I'm trying not to think about it too much but it's pretty hard when you're willing the real employee not to want their job back and their colleagues say stuff that makes you think they might not return or stay very long if they do. I've made it clear that I love the job and the people and would drop everything no matter how far in the future to come back to the place. There's not much else I can do and there aren't any Witches or Voodoo men in the village to help out at times like this so I have hope and a lot of it. It really would be the icing on the cake and for once I'd be able to say that life was pretty damn perfect - marrying the bloke I've loved since day 1 in the way that we want to and working with a nutter of a boss and with a cracking bunch of people. We may not own this place, have flash holidays and cars or be rolling in money but I wouldn't change things for the world if that job became mine all mine. 

The budget wedding of the century is pretty much planned and paid for and all in the space of 2 weeks. 2 weeks!! I could mince around and call myself a Wedding Planner and earn a lot of wonga from this stuff but no amount of money would persuade me to work with Bridezilla's and their bloody Mothers with tens of thousands of pounds to spend on bad taste and tat. I made all 3 invites which was quite fulfilling, we've picked thee most 'un weddingy' music which made the Registrar whoop with joy, there is no engagement ring that cost 3 months salary (not all women want to shove half a carat of bling into everyone's faces), the cake will be splendid in a very geeky way, the bride and groom will not be decked out in regulation wedding finery and Sin of ultimate Sins we will not have a proper photographer (stupid selfies and any face pulling pics will be encouraged and most welcome).The only 2 people we're out to please is us. I can't wait and part of me wishes we'd just registered our intent to wed, waited the 28 days and then dragged 2 poor sods off the streets of Market Harborough and forced them to witness our nuptials for nowt. 

I have 3 Kilner jars of flavoured gin and vodka festering away nicely under the sink which should be ready by November. The wedded couple, the Best Goth and the witnesses may well be a wee bit hungover and very merry. Here's to dysfunctional weddings.